Becoming a woman by loving the wrong men

I must confess.

The first man I ever loved didn't know I loved him but he broke my heart anyway. Years of loving from far, years of searching for him in every man I came across, I realised that I was in love with the idea of him. With my shattered ego and broken heart, I walked away without a word.

Along with the closed door, I closed myself up too. You're too cold they would tell me. I know I would reply. Bet you broke many hearts they would say. I would just smile and look away. "So strange" I would think to myself, how they can't see how soft my heart really is.

Years later in a coffeeshop, in an expected moment a wolf crossed my path. He reminded me of someone I read about in a book once. Dark eyes and careless hands. Everything began and ended with him. "I'm stone cold B, that's me" he once told me. While trying to heal him, I lost myself. I became a reflection of him - cold, angry, bitter and negative. I made all the mistakes a woman in love made. By loving him I hurt myself. By loving him I learned that pain is not healed with anger but with time.

Broken heart.

Unspoken words.

Life keeps on going.

Frogs here.

Frogs there.

One cold night, one of the frogs caught me off guard. Cheeky smile. Smooth words. Charming self. Starving soul. Insecure men like him can make any good girl go bad. He became my lovetoy and I his. We played each other well with all the right games. "One ego per game my darling" he told me. I never play by the rules anyway, I replied. But he won that game. Played well. He must've been starving for the win as my heart became a meal for his ego.

I must confess, I don't damn the man I once loved. I don't damn the men I laid my eyes and hands on. I allowed myself to heal from the pain. The pain I caused myself. New age, new hopes they say. I refuse to lose hope. I refuse to settle for anything less. I remain positive at the idea of love one day finding me.