One month later - a month of feeling good and living good after depression.

One month. A whole month has passed. 1st of may is here. I’m here in my room with my cat listening to jazz music, having just finished writing my personal statement for masters. I’m happy and calm. More and more like myself each passing day. So yeah, I’m getting there, slowly but surely. I made up for the sleepless nights and the days I couldn’t eat. I’m back to dreaming BIG. Bigger than my hair!

So yeah one month has passed. Thinking back on everything, I don’t get sad anymore. I hurt people but I hurt myself the most. I came along way in just one month. Four weeks ago I didn’t even recognise myself, staring blankly at the living room wall for hours, crying in the bath tub, biting my nails til they bled, pulling my hair out, pushing everyone away with my angry bitter ways than expecting people to love and save me when I couldn’t even do that for myself. Always on my phone, hours and hours on social media. I remember I used to panic over my phone battery getting low while I was out and about, asking friends for chargers, not because of any emergency but simply because of the idea of being ‘alone’ on the way home without social media. I wouldn’t say social media was the direct cause for my depression and loneliness but it definitely played a huge part. It's very difficult to retain your sanity in a time where “oversharing” on social media is coincided normal. And for me, social media was simply adding fuel to the fire.It was a bad bad place of thoughts and feelings. I remember my friends asking me over and over again if I’m okay, forcing myself to smile, “yes I’m fine, just tired”. Oh tired I was, physically, emotionally and mentally. Tired of everything. A girl who loved life and the little simple things in it, was tired of it all. It was a very bad time for me. Wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

Today I feel better, I think better and I look better. I enjoy life again. Music, coffee, food, laughter, friends, films, reading, writing and most of all my own company. I have no facebook, completely gone. I have learned to re-love myself, to make time for myself, to put myself first and to say ‘no’. I don’t overthink as much either. Anyone that knows me knows how much I overthink, I used to drive myself as well as others CRAZY with my overthinking ways. I learnt to just LET. THINGS. GO! Sure not everything is sunshine 100% of the time but there needs to be rainy days with the sunny days, that is part of life. And I am okay with that. I know now that some kinds of sadness don’t leave us, like scars in our heart, forever there, but it's okay because it reminds me of how brave I am to overcome such pain in the first place.

But of course I wouldn’t, at all, be here today without my loved ones loving me, reminding me of the person I was and am and that all answers lie within me. That I need to save myself. Nobody has the power to heal the cuts on my knees from falling down, they will heal over time, on their own, all they can do is offer me their hand and a plaster. My people - Sam, Erica, my Brother, Carla, Laurr, Kelly, Rachel, David, Taps and Kevin, thank you for loving me, for believing in me, for reminding me of the badass warrior I am and can be again, for your kind words and amazing hugs, for filling my heart with love and lending me your hand and a plaster for my cuts. You all make me so happy.

Also thank you to an old friend, an absent friend.- I do recognise all that you’ve done for me like I recognise your absence. As someone who has many many absent friends over the years and I’m sure each one will read this thinking it's about them. It's not. She knows who she is. I just hope someday for your own sake you keep that promise you always used to make me everytime I told you off for putting others before yourself. Which was very often. You can’t save people I used to tell you, I know you would reply, you can only love them I would then say, which you again replied I know. And you did indeed love. You loved a lot. You loved everyone more than you ever loved yourself. Another thing I always used to tell you off about. I don’t understand I would say to you, how you can’t see yourself how others see you. You used to look down all shy and shrug my words off. I meant it then and I mean it now. Keep your promise, not for me, but for yourself. Thank you for loving me during the dark days when I didn’t even love myself.

And for everyone else in my life who told me that it's going to be okay, thank you for your faith in me and your kind kind words that I have forever inked into my heart. You have no idea how much each and every word helped me to re-grow my wings. So thank you!

For the rest of you reading this - It will get better. I promise. But you need to know - NOBODY can save you but you, all they can do is love you. The rest is in your hands, stop carrying the dead weight and climb that mountain because believe me when I say the view from up here is beautiful. Life is beautiful my friend.

Take care of yourself. Be focused. Be positive. Be happy.

Happy 1st of May!