Week 3.

Last night I made some time to self-reflect. What have I learnt the past 3 weeks? I learnt so much. I further educated myself on mental illness, not to just help myself but to help others too. And wow, if I thought I knew shit before about mental illness, than maaaan - I was wrong. Almost every day I learn something new about mental illness. Like my friend said to me - "How were you to take care of yourself when you yourself have half-a-knowledge of the problem". And that is true. Very true. The first step to understanding mental illnesses and how they affect people is to become educated.  I learnt that there's a difference between happiness and positivity. Fleeting Emotion vs. Logical Choice. One is about your heart, the other is about using your mind. No matter what's going on in your life, you can strive for a positive attitude. But happiness is not really a choice - you can't fake happiness. If you just don't feel that way, you don't feel that way. I also learnt that its OKAY to not be happy all the time, but staying positive through it all is a must! We ain't robots. We have feelings. And its OKAY  to crash now and than, as long as you get back up, stronger and better than ever before. I truly think we are sometimes too hard on ourselves. Let's sit back and reflect. Despite all the heartbreak, suffering and grief, despite everything, you have survived. You are here today. Isn't that alone something?
So yeah, I feel its important to speak out about mental illness as there are so many people out there who are yet to find their strength to seek help and find their voice.
It can happen to anyone. As a strong, outspoken, confident and independent woman, I never thought it would ever happen to me. Hint why I DENIED it for so long, everytime I felt it creeping up, I used my anger to push it away. I became a crazy angry bitter person day by day. Angry over stupid stupid things. And all along, it was there, sitting on my shoulder waiting for me to crash. And I did. But I'm here today, happier mentally and emotionally. Slowly but surely.
Send some love today, firstly to yourself and secondly to someone you know is suffering.

Week 2 of self-reflection - Am I too honest?

This week’s self-reflection time has me asking myself - am I too honest? There's being honest and upfront and then there's being too honest where one speaks whatevers on its mind. I've never been the one to shimmer down on my thoughts or feelings. I over-think. I over-feel. I over-share. My biggest fear in life is miscommunication. Unspoken words scare me. Every story has two sides they say and I'm never the one to stay silent about my side. I don't care about looking weak and vulnerable. If I feel it, I say it. If I think you're an amazing human being, I'm not afraid of cherishing you with sweet cheesy words. If you've hurt me, I will tell you straight. If my soul is missing you, I have absolutely no fear of telling you so. Like my friend said to me today: "If you have a problem, you confront it". Yes I do. I'm always writing letters, essays and poems expressing my feelings. I feel everything. Sure it can be tiresome (Probably why I had a mental breakdown recently) but that's just me - a writer with a heart that's always wide wide open, with no fear of living in the moment of feelings and thoughts and keeping it real. But what happens when keeping it real becomes problematic? When you’re too honest for your own good? How honest is too honest?

My friends all know to turn to me for an honest opinion, however being too honest and all, they sometimes don't like what I have to say. "You tell everyone how you feel, whether they want to hear it or not". I do. And it's probably why I too often find myself saying "Sorry. Was I too honest? Did I hurt your feelings?" I don't know how to hold back. I would like to say I am indeed compassionate. But sensitive?  Not so much, no. So which of course is why my honesty too often comes across as mean. And I'm not a mean person. I just LOVE an honest straightforward talk. "I don't know B. It might hurt your feelings". Nah, just tell me. Let's talk. Let's talk honestly. No bullshit between us. I prefer to just tell it how it is - no bullshit, reckless talking, words that come straight from the heart. I have no problem speaking my mind to my friends. Whether it's telling them that I think they're making a mistake, revealing to them that I don't like their partner or just straight-up telling them they’re being a knob. Yup. Too honest. Too blunt. That's me. And you see - that's the problem. Lately it has dawned on me that I should maybe strive to be more sensitive rather than straight-up hitting people with my brutally honest ways. I at times forget that not everyone is like me, not everyone is cut out to be horribly straightforward. I think I need to hold back a bit more. Remind myself that some people just love to live in their protective, comfortable waterproof bubble. And that too is okay. I need to keep that in mind before sharing my thoughts out loud.  

But you see, I'm that "no bullshit, honest talk" kind of friend. I'm a good listener. I'm thoughtful. Compassionate. I love raining positivity and courage to my friends life when they need it the most. But like a mirror, I don't just highlight their good qualities, I also go on to highlight the areas they don't want to see. Being a good observer, I too often pick up on things my friends are too scared to admit to themselves. And like a mirror, I reflect it back to them. Like I said, too often my bluntness comes across as being mean. I’m not mean, I’m just too honest and a pusher. I like to push my friends to their full potential, keeping their best interests in mind. I think each one of my friends are amazing human beings and I truly believe each one has the power to save the world, make a difference and shine shine shine so brightly. Hint why I can’t sit back silently when I see them settling for less than they deserve. But I need to remember that end of the day, my opinion is just my opinion. It is their life, their choice and I have no right to butt in with my straightforward, no-bullshit views. Unless of course, they ask for it!

Maybe it's bad.

Maybe it's weird.

Maybe it makes me a bad insensitive person.

But I like this honesty-is-the-best policy way of living.

I like living in the moments of feeling my feelings and thinking out loud my thoughts.

I like living my life as straight-forward as possible.

It's always easy to play the cheerleader but I like the role of the 'no bullshitter' more.

one week later.

Hey all!

The support and love I’ve received the past week has been amazing. My heart is overflowing with love. All the support and love has inspired me to start writing again. A whole year since I wrote something. The last time I let my words spill on paper was for a man who didn’t deserve me or my words. For a long time after that I had refused to let the words escape me out of fear. And fear can be a hell of a drug, my friend. But I’m slowly overcoming my fear, all thanks to you guys. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

Things are getting better. Slowly but surely. I'm enjoying my own company once again. I’m writing. Reading. Going gym. Booking my summer holidays and making plans. Focusing on the good. Last night I dressed up for a night out with my friend, done my hair and makeup and I felt like my old self again - confident, independent, fearless, social, positive and happy. It has been a while since I dressed up and FELT GOOD and confident in my own skin. It was a great night. I actually put aside my phone and enjoyed the life around me.

My mind has been so busy with negativity lately that I forgot what positivity tasted like - freedom. For weeks and weeks I felt like I was locked up, mentally, physically and emotionally. Like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round but really going nowhere. The past week I’ve learned that only YOU can save YOU. Weird thing is I’ve always told my friends - you can’t save someone, only love them -, but I had forgotten to take my own advice. The past year I relied too heavily on others to save me. I guess we all need to fall down and crash in order to get back up, better and stronger than before. It still terrifies me that I am going to return to that negative bitter person. But I refuse to go back there. I am now learning to breathe and remember that patience is key. It will take time but I will get there. Time is everything. Your mind. Your soul. Your body. Your heart. Every part of you will heal in time.

In this new chapter, I am learning not to hold grudges and to stop OVERTHINKING. I am an over-thinker. I spend so much time and energy overthinking everything. I mean everything! One of the reasons I been so down lately was that I overthought people’s inability to stay in my life. I felt everyone was leaving me so easily, from my best friend to friends to guys, without so much as a backward glance. I blamed myself. I questioned myself. I am now learning that sometimes people leave and you just don’t get a closure and that is okay.  My new motto - if people want to leave, let them leave. It doesn’t make them nor YOU a bad person. It doesn’t define you. Just stop investing in people who don’t care if you were to stick around or not. Stop over-thinking their absence. Stop allowing people to stroke their ego with your attention. They don’t deserve it. Just stop feeding people who order plates to go. Only love those who sit at your table beside you.

Which brings me to my next question - why is being selfish considered such a bad thing? I’ve always been told - a good person thinks of others first. But to what degree do you put others before yourself? Can we ever measure how much of ourselves we give to our friends? How much is too much? And how much is too less that we actually get called ‘selfish’ and a ‘bad’ person?  This past week as I’ve been focusing more on myself, I found many faults from my end, which has left me with questions such as - Do I simply expect too much from people? Is that where I go wrong? See my problem is I am not a selfish person. I don’t know how to be selfish. Simply put - If I love you than your problems become my problems. That's the kind of person I am. It has always been one of my favourite qualities but lately I find myself not only being let down by my closest ones due to my own expectations but also being emotionally and mentally drained. Numerous people numerous times have told me to be more selfish, to put myself and my feelings first and to focus more on myself. I’ve been told to not drift with people’s problems whilst trying to help them out, to remember that I am not a psychiatrist and I can not fix everything. And it's true, I think I need to learn that being selfish is actually not a bad thing but in fact a self-responsibility in order to be happy. Putting your happiness and well-being before others should be a priority. It helps to recharge your energy so therefore you can be your most happy and productive and meaningful self. One cannot make others happy if one is not mentally, physically and emotionally happy themselves. Loving yourself is a simple way of being responsible for managing and regulating your own feelings so you don’t take out your anger or neediness on other people. And that is exactly where I was as my depression closed in - my self-love and self-esteem down in the dumps which of course led me to dump my anger and neediness on the closest people around me. We are always so quick to give our loved ones confidence boost when they're feeling down, yet so so hard on ourselves. And why do we expect the credit from others to make ourselves feel better instead of uplifting ourselves? Self love isn’t selfish, it's important. At the end of the day - you’re all you’ve got.

Last but not the least - always have hope. Know that no matter how dark it gets, there is a light end of the tunnel. But it's only up to YOU to flick the switch on. Hell, change the light bulb if you have to! Just please don’t let the darkness define you. It's a sad, miserable and lonely place and you deserve much much better than that. Life is beautiful. Scary as fuck but beautiful nonetheless. I know now its okay to dance in the rain. What is a bit of rain after a hurricane aye?

Like Taylor Swift once said: “Being fearless isn’t being 100 percent not fearful; it’s being terrified but you jump anyway.”