Keep me where the light is

There's nothing beautiful about depression.

wish I could turn this into a cute poem

but I can't.

hours turn to days

days turn to weeks

and every morning I am left fighting the same demons that tormented me the night before.

I am sick

I am tired

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired

I had enough of feeding my demons

and starving the woman in the mirror

when can I make her proud?

when is she going to stop feeling afraid?


They ask

they wonder

about my tattoo

they want to know what it means

let them ask

let them wonder


Would they understand

my fear

of the darkness that decorate my veins?

how do I explain to them

the hunger in my soul

the way it craves and longs for the light?


Another day of my feelings suffocating me

suffocating others

I feel everything

all too much

all at once

hold my tongue


I used to bright up the room with my laughter

I used to be the life of the party

I used to flirt and giggle my way through life

now I'm the thunderstorm

striking people with my cruel cold ways

the flowers I grew inside of me

wilt in my darkness

"Thoughts are not facts"

The voices in your head ain't real. Stop feeding them.
The voices in your head ain't real. They just know you very well.
The voices in your head ain't real. They just know your weaknesses along with the mistakes you tuck into bed with you at night.
The voices in your head ain't real. They know what to say to make you crash.
The voices in your head ain't real. They will say it over and over again. Louder and louder.
The voices in your head ain't real. They are just big fat fucking liars.

One month later - a month of feeling good and living good after depression.

One month. A whole month has passed. 1st of may is here. I’m here in my room with my cat listening to jazz music, having just finished writing my personal statement for masters. I’m happy and calm. More and more like myself each passing day. So yeah, I’m getting there, slowly but surely. I made up for the sleepless nights and the days I couldn’t eat. I’m back to dreaming BIG. Bigger than my hair!

So yeah one month has passed. Thinking back on everything, I don’t get sad anymore. I hurt people but I hurt myself the most. I came along way in just one month. Four weeks ago I didn’t even recognise myself, staring blankly at the living room wall for hours, crying in the bath tub, biting my nails til they bled, pulling my hair out, pushing everyone away with my angry bitter ways than expecting people to love and save me when I couldn’t even do that for myself. Always on my phone, hours and hours on social media. I remember I used to panic over my phone battery getting low while I was out and about, asking friends for chargers, not because of any emergency but simply because of the idea of being ‘alone’ on the way home without social media. I wouldn’t say social media was the direct cause for my depression and loneliness but it definitely played a huge part. It's very difficult to retain your sanity in a time where “oversharing” on social media is coincided normal. And for me, social media was simply adding fuel to the fire.It was a bad bad place of thoughts and feelings. I remember my friends asking me over and over again if I’m okay, forcing myself to smile, “yes I’m fine, just tired”. Oh tired I was, physically, emotionally and mentally. Tired of everything. A girl who loved life and the little simple things in it, was tired of it all. It was a very bad time for me. Wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

Today I feel better, I think better and I look better. I enjoy life again. Music, coffee, food, laughter, friends, films, reading, writing and most of all my own company. I have no facebook, completely gone. I have learned to re-love myself, to make time for myself, to put myself first and to say ‘no’. I don’t overthink as much either. Anyone that knows me knows how much I overthink, I used to drive myself as well as others CRAZY with my overthinking ways. I learnt to just LET. THINGS. GO! Sure not everything is sunshine 100% of the time but there needs to be rainy days with the sunny days, that is part of life. And I am okay with that. I know now that some kinds of sadness don’t leave us, like scars in our heart, forever there, but it's okay because it reminds me of how brave I am to overcome such pain in the first place.

But of course I wouldn’t, at all, be here today without my loved ones loving me, reminding me of the person I was and am and that all answers lie within me. That I need to save myself. Nobody has the power to heal the cuts on my knees from falling down, they will heal over time, on their own, all they can do is offer me their hand and a plaster. My people - Sam, Erica, my Brother, Carla, Laurr, Kelly, Rachel, David, Taps and Kevin, thank you for loving me, for believing in me, for reminding me of the badass warrior I am and can be again, for your kind words and amazing hugs, for filling my heart with love and lending me your hand and a plaster for my cuts. You all make me so happy.

Also thank you to an old friend, an absent friend.- I do recognise all that you’ve done for me like I recognise your absence. As someone who has many many absent friends over the years and I’m sure each one will read this thinking it's about them. It's not. She knows who she is. I just hope someday for your own sake you keep that promise you always used to make me everytime I told you off for putting others before yourself. Which was very often. You can’t save people I used to tell you, I know you would reply, you can only love them I would then say, which you again replied I know. And you did indeed love. You loved a lot. You loved everyone more than you ever loved yourself. Another thing I always used to tell you off about. I don’t understand I would say to you, how you can’t see yourself how others see you. You used to look down all shy and shrug my words off. I meant it then and I mean it now. Keep your promise, not for me, but for yourself. Thank you for loving me during the dark days when I didn’t even love myself.

And for everyone else in my life who told me that it's going to be okay, thank you for your faith in me and your kind kind words that I have forever inked into my heart. You have no idea how much each and every word helped me to re-grow my wings. So thank you!

For the rest of you reading this - It will get better. I promise. But you need to know - NOBODY can save you but you, all they can do is love you. The rest is in your hands, stop carrying the dead weight and climb that mountain because believe me when I say the view from up here is beautiful. Life is beautiful my friend.

Take care of yourself. Be focused. Be positive. Be happy.

Happy 1st of May!

Week 3.

Last night I made some time to self-reflect. What have I learnt the past 3 weeks? I learnt so much. I further educated myself on mental illness, not to just help myself but to help others too. And wow, if I thought I knew shit before about mental illness, than maaaan - I was wrong. Almost every day I learn something new about mental illness. Like my friend said to me - "How were you to take care of yourself when you yourself have half-a-knowledge of the problem". And that is true. Very true. The first step to understanding mental illnesses and how they affect people is to become educated.  I learnt that there's a difference between happiness and positivity. Fleeting Emotion vs. Logical Choice. One is about your heart, the other is about using your mind. No matter what's going on in your life, you can strive for a positive attitude. But happiness is not really a choice - you can't fake happiness. If you just don't feel that way, you don't feel that way. I also learnt that its OKAY to not be happy all the time, but staying positive through it all is a must! We ain't robots. We have feelings. And its OKAY  to crash now and than, as long as you get back up, stronger and better than ever before. I truly think we are sometimes too hard on ourselves. Let's sit back and reflect. Despite all the heartbreak, suffering and grief, despite everything, you have survived. You are here today. Isn't that alone something?
So yeah, I feel its important to speak out about mental illness as there are so many people out there who are yet to find their strength to seek help and find their voice.
It can happen to anyone. As a strong, outspoken, confident and independent woman, I never thought it would ever happen to me. Hint why I DENIED it for so long, everytime I felt it creeping up, I used my anger to push it away. I became a crazy angry bitter person day by day. Angry over stupid stupid things. And all along, it was there, sitting on my shoulder waiting for me to crash. And I did. But I'm here today, happier mentally and emotionally. Slowly but surely.
Send some love today, firstly to yourself and secondly to someone you know is suffering.

Week 2 of self-reflection - Am I too honest?

This week’s self-reflection time has me asking myself - am I too honest? There's being honest and upfront and then there's being too honest where one speaks whatevers on its mind. I've never been the one to shimmer down on my thoughts or feelings. I over-think. I over-feel. I over-share. My biggest fear in life is miscommunication. Unspoken words scare me. Every story has two sides they say and I'm never the one to stay silent about my side. I don't care about looking weak and vulnerable. If I feel it, I say it. If I think you're an amazing human being, I'm not afraid of cherishing you with sweet cheesy words. If you've hurt me, I will tell you straight. If my soul is missing you, I have absolutely no fear of telling you so. Like my friend said to me today: "If you have a problem, you confront it". Yes I do. I'm always writing letters, essays and poems expressing my feelings. I feel everything. Sure it can be tiresome (Probably why I had a mental breakdown recently) but that's just me - a writer with a heart that's always wide wide open, with no fear of living in the moment of feelings and thoughts and keeping it real. But what happens when keeping it real becomes problematic? When you’re too honest for your own good? How honest is too honest?

My friends all know to turn to me for an honest opinion, however being too honest and all, they sometimes don't like what I have to say. "You tell everyone how you feel, whether they want to hear it or not". I do. And it's probably why I too often find myself saying "Sorry. Was I too honest? Did I hurt your feelings?" I don't know how to hold back. I would like to say I am indeed compassionate. But sensitive?  Not so much, no. So which of course is why my honesty too often comes across as mean. And I'm not a mean person. I just LOVE an honest straightforward talk. "I don't know B. It might hurt your feelings". Nah, just tell me. Let's talk. Let's talk honestly. No bullshit between us. I prefer to just tell it how it is - no bullshit, reckless talking, words that come straight from the heart. I have no problem speaking my mind to my friends. Whether it's telling them that I think they're making a mistake, revealing to them that I don't like their partner or just straight-up telling them they’re being a knob. Yup. Too honest. Too blunt. That's me. And you see - that's the problem. Lately it has dawned on me that I should maybe strive to be more sensitive rather than straight-up hitting people with my brutally honest ways. I at times forget that not everyone is like me, not everyone is cut out to be horribly straightforward. I think I need to hold back a bit more. Remind myself that some people just love to live in their protective, comfortable waterproof bubble. And that too is okay. I need to keep that in mind before sharing my thoughts out loud.  

But you see, I'm that "no bullshit, honest talk" kind of friend. I'm a good listener. I'm thoughtful. Compassionate. I love raining positivity and courage to my friends life when they need it the most. But like a mirror, I don't just highlight their good qualities, I also go on to highlight the areas they don't want to see. Being a good observer, I too often pick up on things my friends are too scared to admit to themselves. And like a mirror, I reflect it back to them. Like I said, too often my bluntness comes across as being mean. I’m not mean, I’m just too honest and a pusher. I like to push my friends to their full potential, keeping their best interests in mind. I think each one of my friends are amazing human beings and I truly believe each one has the power to save the world, make a difference and shine shine shine so brightly. Hint why I can’t sit back silently when I see them settling for less than they deserve. But I need to remember that end of the day, my opinion is just my opinion. It is their life, their choice and I have no right to butt in with my straightforward, no-bullshit views. Unless of course, they ask for it!

Maybe it's bad.

Maybe it's weird.

Maybe it makes me a bad insensitive person.

But I like this honesty-is-the-best policy way of living.

I like living in the moments of feeling my feelings and thinking out loud my thoughts.

I like living my life as straight-forward as possible.

It's always easy to play the cheerleader but I like the role of the 'no bullshitter' more.

one week later.

Hey all!

The support and love I’ve received the past week has been amazing. My heart is overflowing with love. All the support and love has inspired me to start writing again. A whole year since I wrote something. The last time I let my words spill on paper was for a man who didn’t deserve me or my words. For a long time after that I had refused to let the words escape me out of fear. And fear can be a hell of a drug, my friend. But I’m slowly overcoming my fear, all thanks to you guys. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

Things are getting better. Slowly but surely. I'm enjoying my own company once again. I’m writing. Reading. Going gym. Booking my summer holidays and making plans. Focusing on the good. Last night I dressed up for a night out with my friend, done my hair and makeup and I felt like my old self again - confident, independent, fearless, social, positive and happy. It has been a while since I dressed up and FELT GOOD and confident in my own skin. It was a great night. I actually put aside my phone and enjoyed the life around me.

My mind has been so busy with negativity lately that I forgot what positivity tasted like - freedom. For weeks and weeks I felt like I was locked up, mentally, physically and emotionally. Like a hamster on a wheel, going round and round but really going nowhere. The past week I’ve learned that only YOU can save YOU. Weird thing is I’ve always told my friends - you can’t save someone, only love them -, but I had forgotten to take my own advice. The past year I relied too heavily on others to save me. I guess we all need to fall down and crash in order to get back up, better and stronger than before. It still terrifies me that I am going to return to that negative bitter person. But I refuse to go back there. I am now learning to breathe and remember that patience is key. It will take time but I will get there. Time is everything. Your mind. Your soul. Your body. Your heart. Every part of you will heal in time.

In this new chapter, I am learning not to hold grudges and to stop OVERTHINKING. I am an over-thinker. I spend so much time and energy overthinking everything. I mean everything! One of the reasons I been so down lately was that I overthought people’s inability to stay in my life. I felt everyone was leaving me so easily, from my best friend to friends to guys, without so much as a backward glance. I blamed myself. I questioned myself. I am now learning that sometimes people leave and you just don’t get a closure and that is okay.  My new motto - if people want to leave, let them leave. It doesn’t make them nor YOU a bad person. It doesn’t define you. Just stop investing in people who don’t care if you were to stick around or not. Stop over-thinking their absence. Stop allowing people to stroke their ego with your attention. They don’t deserve it. Just stop feeding people who order plates to go. Only love those who sit at your table beside you.

Which brings me to my next question - why is being selfish considered such a bad thing? I’ve always been told - a good person thinks of others first. But to what degree do you put others before yourself? Can we ever measure how much of ourselves we give to our friends? How much is too much? And how much is too less that we actually get called ‘selfish’ and a ‘bad’ person?  This past week as I’ve been focusing more on myself, I found many faults from my end, which has left me with questions such as - Do I simply expect too much from people? Is that where I go wrong? See my problem is I am not a selfish person. I don’t know how to be selfish. Simply put - If I love you than your problems become my problems. That's the kind of person I am. It has always been one of my favourite qualities but lately I find myself not only being let down by my closest ones due to my own expectations but also being emotionally and mentally drained. Numerous people numerous times have told me to be more selfish, to put myself and my feelings first and to focus more on myself. I’ve been told to not drift with people’s problems whilst trying to help them out, to remember that I am not a psychiatrist and I can not fix everything. And it's true, I think I need to learn that being selfish is actually not a bad thing but in fact a self-responsibility in order to be happy. Putting your happiness and well-being before others should be a priority. It helps to recharge your energy so therefore you can be your most happy and productive and meaningful self. One cannot make others happy if one is not mentally, physically and emotionally happy themselves. Loving yourself is a simple way of being responsible for managing and regulating your own feelings so you don’t take out your anger or neediness on other people. And that is exactly where I was as my depression closed in - my self-love and self-esteem down in the dumps which of course led me to dump my anger and neediness on the closest people around me. We are always so quick to give our loved ones confidence boost when they're feeling down, yet so so hard on ourselves. And why do we expect the credit from others to make ourselves feel better instead of uplifting ourselves? Self love isn’t selfish, it's important. At the end of the day - you’re all you’ve got.

Last but not the least - always have hope. Know that no matter how dark it gets, there is a light end of the tunnel. But it's only up to YOU to flick the switch on. Hell, change the light bulb if you have to! Just please don’t let the darkness define you. It's a sad, miserable and lonely place and you deserve much much better than that. Life is beautiful. Scary as fuck but beautiful nonetheless. I know now its okay to dance in the rain. What is a bit of rain after a hurricane aye?

Like Taylor Swift once said: “Being fearless isn’t being 100 percent not fearful; it’s being terrified but you jump anyway.”

Let's talk about depression. Let's end mental health discrimination.

Hey!

So I can’t remember the last time I wrote a blog. Been a while. A long while actually. But today I woke up in need of something to write - to share my words with the world. I am ready.

Let’s talk about depression. What is depression? Everyone has a different definition of the word. For me, depression is not recognising yourself. Its waking up and feeling ‘blah’. Forcing yourself out of bed to go work. Cancelling plans with friends. Pushing everyone away yet becoming extra needy. Its saying and doing stuff you don’t mean. Its crying for no reason. Feeling unloved and unwanted. Its finding yourself weak and tired all the time. Its wanting to scream at everyone but also needing them to hug away your sense of isolation. Its watching the time pass ever so slowly, like there's too many hours in the day. Its losing interest in everything you loved. Its not being able to focus on anything. Its being in a room filled with your loved ones and still feeling so so lonely. Its feeling you’re only happy because you supposed to feel happy. It's becoming the person you hate. All this for me defines depression.

I was very ignorant about mental illness until 3-4 years ago. I watched my mum and my close friend suffer from depression. Both hitting rock bottom. I educated myself on mental illness through reading and talking to people. I watched my close friend go from being a happy, jolly, confident full of sunshine girl to someone I didn’t recognise. And that is exactly where I am today. I turned into someone I no longer recognise. Who am I? Who was I before all this? Does it live within me forever? Can I tame it? Or is it always going to tame me to the point I can’t breathe? What if it gets too much? I have so many questions but no closure.

Before all this I used to be a girl who enjoyed simple things in life - first sip of coffee in the morning, long walks on my own, listening to music, flirting, reading, writing, laughing. When was the last time I laughed without feeling guilty? When was the last time I read a book? When was the last time I put on a song and actually listened to the lyrics? I used to enjoy my own company. Always so excited for ‘me’ days where I chilled on my own, ate on my own, went to cinema on my own, put my phone aside and actually observed the life around me. These simple things used to make me happy. But recently I found myself hating my own company. I would fill every minute with something and someone - simply trying to fill that emptiness with things. Being alone now scares me. Gives me anxiety. Don't know why. Don't know how I went from being a happy lone wolf to this weak person. When did I become so needy and clingy? When did I stop being so independent, confident and strong? When did I stop being that girl who enjoyed the little simple things in life? When did I become a bad bitter person? How did I go from being so supportive and strong, positive and crazy-fun to being needy and miserable? I know I’m a difficult person in reality, I'm stubborn, blunt and too in your face, so I can only imagine how difficult I can get with depression added to that. You see, recently I found myself creating bad situations without meaning to. My overthinking and needy ways got the best of me. I was called "manipulative" and a "bad person" by the people closest to me. I probably deserved it. For the past few weeks I know I was a burden to everyone around me and a difficult person to love.I found myself snapping and upsetting my loved ones. I know many times I pushed away my loved ones as I coped with the heavy realities of mental illness. Digging my own grave. Pushing them away with my harsh harsh words and actions. I knew it was wrong as I was doing it but I couldn't stop.

Than it hit me at the moment when I was at my lowest - what I needed was a little reflection to help me end my pity party for one. So on Tuesday night I called an old friend. Someone I been friends with for 10 years, on and off. Someone I consider my not-so-romantically soulmate. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. We haven’t spoken in a while but I knew he would come straight away, no questions asked. No judgement. He took one look at me and said - this ain’t you B. I sighed in relief. He had no idea how much I needed to hear that. I really really needed someone who knew me to say NO B, THIS AIN’T YOU! YOU AIN’T A BAD PERSON! YOU JUST DOING BAD THINGS BECAUSE YOU ARE IN A BAD PLACE. Hearing that really really helped me to breathe. Something I haven’t done properly in weeks. Sometimes people need to hear things like that from their loved ones in order to stop and breathe. They need to hear that they can get past it all and can -eventually- return to being who they really are in time. They need a reflection. He reassured me that I am ready to take a step forward in becoming a better person as I myself know and recognise that I am not this person. That alone is a huge step he said. And yes I know as I’ve seen firsthand through my friends and mum that depression is not something that you can “just snap out of” but I am determined to take the negatives in my life, whether it's me or the negative vibe around me, and turn it into something positive. I refuse to settle and let this be me. The first step I took was acceptance. Accepting that I do indeed need professional help. This was a hard step for me as I always been a warrior but I now see that I am not as strong as I used to be. I no longer have the energy to row the boat on my own. Hell, maybe I need to wreck the boat all together and learn to swim! All I know is that I am ready to rise above this.

Before I decided to go public with this post on social media, I made my closed ones read it first to give them some sort of insight. And the love and support I've received in return, wow. Can't put it into words. So yeah I be fine. And the days I'm not fine I know I be fine as I have the best support system around me. Tuesday night I met an old friend who saved me. Yesterday I spent the whole day on my own and actually enjoyed my own company. I sat down in a coffee shop and wrote this. Yes I finally wrote something! A whole year later! And today I met up with my own personal sunshine who reassured me that everything is going to be okay. Slowly but surely. I am SO ready to leave this pity party for one. To find my old self again.

But before I go - People who experience depression need to know - its going to suck. Really really suck for a long long time. Some days will be better than others. Like my good friend Taps said, “some days are diamonds, some days are stones”. But trust me when I say, there is a light end of the tunnel. This isn’t the end. You gotta push through it. You are not alone. Find that one person who can help reflect you in your darkest days. But also, don’t be too hard on your other friends, I know everyone is so open to offer their love and support but when the time comes they are blank-space, that's not their fault - not everyone is cut out to cope with the heavy realities of mental illness. Nobody can save you but you. I am rooting for you. And I am rooting for myself. I refuse to let depression define me.

And on that note - I’m gonna leave you with this quote “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us”.

Peace out guys.

Let’s talk about mental illness

October 10th. World Mental Health Day. 

I be the first to say it, I was pretty ignorant about depression. That was until my best friend and my mother went through it few years back. I had no idea how to even start to help them deal with it, so I did my research. I read every book and blog I could find to help educate myself on depression. And let me tell you, reading about it is almost as scary as watching your loved ones physically go through it. Before all this I didn’t know depression is actually a chronic physical illness with symptoms that are mostly invisible. Like, did you know nearly one in four people worldwide will experience a mental health issue? So the chances are you or someone you love has battled depression at some point in their life.

Today another close friend of mine is battling depression. A girl full of life and charisma, always centre of attention because she is that smart and funny, who makes me laugh with no effort and opens my mind to many possibilities. Someone who is so optimistic, enthusiastic and positive about life. Yes this girl is suffering from serious depression. And that sucks. But she is fighting and that takes courage. I admire her for her strength and unselfishness. You see, that’s the thing about depression. It can get any one of us. Depression is a disease. A mental health that needs to be taken as seriously as physical health. Many people who experience mental illness feel like they should shroud in secrecy due to the illness being represented negatively in the media. Talking about depression is still a taboo. Let me tell you - there’s no shame in dealing with these things, no shame in fighting this battle every day. You’re here today and that alone is you winning this war. There are going to be some really really tough days but you got to keep fighting.

 What I learned from watching loved ones go through depression is that you need to remind yourself that there are three people in this relationship – you, them and depression. One important thing I read was that you need to help them feel powerful. So remind them each day that they are needed and loved, give them a bit of power by making them feel wanted and useful. Offer them generous and non-judgmental support on a regular basis, it will do them good to talk. And keep in mind that it’s the depression speaking. Dealing with a loved one who has depression takes effort, patience and compassion, it’s not easy. But it’s worth it. Thankfully we live in a time where there is a cure for this illness, with the right support, medication and therapy, its beatable!  I hope with more and more celebrities (like Demi Lovato, Katy Perry and Jared Padalecki) opening up to the media about their battle with depression, along with awareness days like World Mental Health Day, we can give that conversation the platform it needs and help heighten the awareness. Just remember - sometimes it takes a village to kick depression’s ass.