Hard knocks of life

One, as a child they promised me security when I got older. As a 26 year old the only thing I secured in life is my student loan

Two, if only I had a people phobia instead of this fear of abandonment 

Three, I spent years playing hide and seek with happiness. I thought happiness was to seek me but in reality it should've been me seeking happiness 

Four, my heart is too deep, too full for cowards. One needs to know how to swim in this depth otherwise they will drown

Five, in my life I have unintentionally hurt people. Still haunts me today. At night I count apologies rather than sheeps

Six, oh hello there antidepressants, you seem cool.  PS. I haven't cried in 4 weeks!!! Got angry only ONCE (and I work in the food industry with people ha) !! The past year my emotions put Claire Danes to shame!

Seven, Robert Frost once said "nothing gold can stay". I now understand that

Eight, as much as he was the breeze after the thunder, I don't want guys to be the weather for me anymore. I want to be my own breeze and my own thunder

Nine, my anxiety is the longest commitment I have had in my life, can't seem to divorce it

Ten, after I got my heart broken for the first time, I started drinking black coffee. It was a comfort to know my coffee matched my feelings

Eleven, they told me to go for nice guys instead as they wouldn't break my heart. That is not true. They are as capable. The only difference is that they apologise for the mess afterwards

Twelve, note to self - Love destroys you because you give too much away. Keep some for yourself kiddo

Thirteen, he told me he wouldn't break my heart but that I need to charm him harder and when I did, he went on to break my heart anyway

Fourteen, forgetting someone is much easier when you're off social media

Fifteen, Social media sucks

Sixteen, never knew I was such a good juggler until I had to juggle alot of unwanted feelings the past 2 years. Angst is so not my friend!

Seventeen, I always thought its nice to like someone with the same interests as you, but what happens when they leave? Has he forever ruined John Mayer for me?

Eighteen, I fall in love with the odd parts of everyone. Feelings may be liquid for others, changing and growing. For me it's solid. 

Nineteen, People say I breathe loudly. So I cherish the ones who take my breath away.

Twenty, That night, I ate my pride for dinner and for dessert he high fived me goodbye.

Twenty-one, you walk around waiting for someone to read you. To make sense of you. To take notes. My dear, not everyone can read the same language. 

Twenty-two, love always hurts like a motherfucka and yet you think I would learn to wear a bloody helmet by now. 

**********

Cambridge

If liquor is the elixir of love,
Than pour me a glass my dear.
In fact I want to pour your thoughts into my wine glass and get drunk on it.
I may have my way with words
but you have your way with your eyes
you know I watch you
as you watch me
our staring game never gets exhausting does it?
Talking ain't your thing I know
so I don't say a word either
in silence
we sit and drink each other in.

I will write to you after dark

Your words are beautiful

dark and deep

but I have promises to keep

I need to go

I need to leave.

I want to love you

but I can't stay

not yet

you are beautiful

but I need to disappear for a while

a long while


I will still write poems in the dark for you

make love to you through my words

draw love hearts on your coffee cup

but I can't stay

not yet

I need to go

I need to save myself first


at night I will lie to myself

I will lie to you too

I will look away when you look at me

I will not allow for our eyes to meet

not today

not yet


I'm a mess today

tomorrow I be fine

tomorrow I be stronger

tomorrow I be worth your love

I can't allow you to devote yourself to me 

not just yet

not when my insecurities still have me chained up

not when I still feel like a prisoner inside my own head

I need to break away from my fears

leave the past behind



words are not just words

the one before you

I cherished him in my soft words

painted him in such a light

but fear and insecurities took over

and harsh words

from me to him

him to me

were spoken

but it doesn't mean the soft words once spoken

from me to him

were any less true

because for me

words are not just words

my words are a crumpled bit of my soul


so please

you need to leave now

although you will remember me

as the one who asked your shadow to dance with her

all while she was still very afraid of her own shadow

Keep the change

Go ahead bold one
go ahead
give me the closure I deserve
have your way with words
quote me a quote
paint me a picture
I have no more weapon for this heartbreak warfare of ours.

Nostalgia is a liar
she's keep telling me you were beautiful
I remember now
You were indeed very beautiful
oh how your precious ways killed me
did I make you up inside my head?

Enough
Stop
Stop apologising
I want to rip and tore you from my fondest memories
I want to scream and shout til your ghost stops lingering in my bedroom.

I hated the way you always tripped over your self esteem
buy new shoes
lace it up
tuck it in
but don't call me a liar for calling you beautiful!

Let them talk
they don't know me
do they even know you?
did I know you?
who are you?
who are you when the door is locked?

my words were harsh
my words were cruel
my words were brutal
so go ahead beautiful one
go ahead
hurt me like I did you
tell them my secrets
the ones I told you in the dark
but don't run and hide
we both know you are not as innocent
we both know you use your kindness as an easy way out
so be cruel to be kind my dear
be cruel to be kind

enough
stop
stop apologising
tell me the truth
did I shallow my pride just so you can think
of me as the toxic madness?
did I paint you with an aching glory
just so you can hide behind your army?
did I craft you into my words just so
you can degrade my affection?

what are you waiting for?
has the cat got your tongue?
tell me
do you still remember the colour of my eyes?
or did you block that out too?
remember how I was
so shy
so nervous
so weak
to look into yours?
dare to be brave and look into my eyes now
I dare you my precious one
I dare you

Oh no no no
didn't they tell you
you can't be a self aware person
without paying the price
so go ahead
pay your bill
but don't forget to leave a tip.

1991

I wanted more

I want more

I want to find a home in the woman staring back at me in the mirror

I want to surrender to the wind

I want to give up the shit that weights me down so I can fly far far away

I want to gather all my fears & anxieties into an envelope and seal it with my lipstick kiss

I want to burn sky high with kaleidoscopic passion

burn burn burn


instead of making art out of him

I shall remember that I myself am art

instead of inking him into my soul with a permanent marker

I shall remind myself that there ain't

a truer romance than one loving one's own self

instead of making poetry out of all the jagged edges of his life

I shall coat yours truly with immortal pride

bleed my vulnerability

my fears

my openness

across pages and pages


I am not a place for cowards

so don't awake my soul

if you have no courage

no bravery

you may be exasperation

you may be torture

but I am no longer Kintsugi

making art of fixing broken things

you shall instead find me elsewhere

repairing my own self

filling my own cracks

with gold

so I can be stronger

more beautiful

than ever before

I am not the star

I am the motherfucking universe.

Wonderland

The first one broke your heart so well that the ones after could never fill that void so they thought of you as cold and heartless didn't they? I see how you drift through life like a gypsy, stealing moments of happiness to fill that certain emptiness. Habits you won't set free. You knock back on things so you can feel something again. Unfortunately, that feeling is only temporary isn't it? Because I know that in the morning you still wake up with this deadly sadness overtaking you. Lost and confused like Alice on which road to take.

Tell me, where did it begin? How far have you walked for people that never even took one step for you? How many times did you thief away your own happiness to make someone else happy? Why do you feel the need to sell yourself short for people that could never fill you nor complete you? What are your secrets that make you so restless like the white rabbit?

But I see you. I see how you try and fill your life with inspirational quotes as if pretty words can paint over your heartache. You torment yourself with the ghosts of your past. A river overflown with heavy emotions. I saw your eyes remember. I read your words. I listened to your stories. And that night I whispered in your ear - "beautiful things break my heart" but you looked the other way. And still my stubborn heart adored the forever sadness in your eyes. Guess you can call me crazy like the Queen of Hearts.

But one needs to understand. My soul may be full of chaos. But what I felt wasn't weak. I fell down the rabbit hole. I sacrificed my words. My mind admired effortlessly. Even when you gave yourself away to me with a false sense of security. Remember how I requested a pinky promise from you cos I knew you made a habit out of going back on your words with me. I lived under the illusion, that somehow, someday. Mess of a dreamer I am. But I would rather seize every tiny drop of love and go mad as the Hatter than be a fool and play it cool by making my world a little colder.

Monday

My dad asks me

Why are you so sad?

I don't know

I reply

Why do you allow yourself to be so sad?

He wants to know

I don't know

I reply again.


How do I even start to explain my anxiety to him. Where does one begin. Should I tell him that it all  goes back to my childhood. For me feeling the way I do. For me thinking the way I do. Does he know the difference between being sad and being depressed? Would he even understand the difference if I explained? If I went into detail about how anxiety waits for me the moment I open my eyes. How I overthink everything, things other people barely give a second thought to. Like my friend says, "If there is a way, B has thought about it". Wonder if he remembers telling me all throughout my childhood that I was too emotional child, that I should ease up and be a kid? Well surprise dad! My emotions have been a mess the past year, they have been too powerful, too intense for me to control. Times where anxiety has kicked in and my feelings have suffocated not only me but those around me too. How I over-feel all sorts of emotions intensely all at once, how not being in control of my emotions major freaks me out which leads me to over-react and too often makes me say hurtful things to the people I love, how regret hits me the moment the words leave my mouth. But its always too late. How do I explain to him that my anxiety is my own personal art of making unnecessary drama. It might seem silly. But it's real dad. It feels like end of the world. My world, at any rate. My anxiety uses me as a punching bag dad. Some days it sucker punches me so bad that I can't breathe. It leaves a bruise on my body, on my mind, on my loved ones even. It hurts all around.


Do you remember dad, how as a child I would hate fairy tales because I never understood why princesses would give up their voice for love. Do you remember? Well I went and got my heart broken for the first time last year. I allowed a guy to destroy me - emotionally, mentally and physically. I became a pawn to his sick mindgames. Should I tell him the things I did for him, the ways I allowed him to hurt me, the ways I allowed him to use me. Would he be mad? Disappointed? Sad? Well dad, its a sad sad world when one breaks a soul only because they can. Wish I could explain how ever since he broke my heart and left, I have been basing my self-worth on guys. Guy after guy.  I make them feel like a man, stroke their ego, whilst they make me feel like I'm so insignificant, so small, so powerless. Do you recognise your little girl dad? Well, your little girl ain't so little anymore. I done things, bad things. I seen things that can't be unseen. I touched monsters and let them touch me.  Why do I allow them to destroy me? Who have I become? Why do I allow them to dirty me with their filthy mind games? How do they sleep at night? And why oh why do I still wonder about the ones who have long forgotten me? When did your little girl become this weak person who allowed guy's mistakes to reflect on how I view myself as a woman  - how dare they dim my light! How dare they trip me over my own words! How dare I allow them! How dare I allow them to stutter my words?

Tell me dad, why am I so washed out by life? They tell me we are human and that it's okay not to be okay. That we have layers of ourselves that we don't and can't ever understand and that it's okay but I don't understand nothing. Where is my instruction on how to master adulthood? I want to ask him about people, I want to hear why he thinks people are so defensive to my highly passionate ways? Explain it to me dad, explain why they tell me it takes courage and bravery to be vulnerable and open hearted in this world yet they scatter my words? Why is my over-loving considered suffocation? Why do I feel too much for people that feel too less for me? Why am I such a failure at love? Why is my heart too damn big for its own good? Tell me dad, when can I burn fire again? Be so bright and feisty again? Where's that girl with the loud crazy hyena laugh to match her big crazy curly hair?

I want to reassure him that I am indeed learning. Slowly but surely. I want to tell him how my self defense mechanism has messed me up so much the past year but that I am actually working on it. I am working on myself. I want to tell him about the moments where I wanted to crush people with my words. Thinking me hurting them back we would be even. Thinking by hurting them, my own pain would disappear. It doesn't disappear dad. I was wrong, their pain bounced back and cut my wound deeper. It bleed dad. It bleed a lot. I have their scars all over my heart. I want to quote him something someone once told me  - to stop letting the past dramatically affect my future. I am learning dad. I am learning to let go. Let go of my childhood blues. Let go of the demons that torment me day in, day out. I am learning that pain is not healed with anger. Pain is only healed in time with forgiveness. I need to forgive. Starting with myself - I need to forgive myself. I want to to tell him that I have finally stepped out of my comfort zone. I want to explain that my stubbornness doesn't come from the fact I think I-Know-It-All but from my fear. I want to go over each and every fear of mine with him. Explain the roots of them to him. Explain my fucked up ways.

But I didn't.

I didn't say any of this.

I didn't say a word.

I let silence speak for me.

Than he said what he could say best

"You be okay. Go home and get some rest and try not to worry too much".

we share the sadness. split screen sadness.

Have you noticed // it has been raining every day since that day // I love the rain // it was a rainy night that I realised my feelings for you // there was thunder // it was late night // do you remember? // if only we could wash away our sins in the rain // I would wash you away

**********

I look away // than I look back at you // come here // come closer I say // show me how you see the world // I want to see the world through your eyes // you smile in a self satisfied way // are you ready? // you ask // are you ready to sell your soul to the devil? // I whisper in your ear // don't you know that the devil was once an angel?

**********
With your intense stare and your kind eyes, you are the master of maybes. My heart is too big, too full, to be someone's maybe.

**********

Throw yourself at life


Let it burn you


Just don't burn others


That's a hard baggage to carry with you


**********


I always try to create a love out of words, thinking words could save people but who is going to save me?

**********

Oh boy
Guess I'm cupids favourite practical joke
Well played cupid
Well played.

Loving the first one reminded me of the time I taught myself how to ride the bike - I was so very scared and yet too stubborn to wear a helmet so I was left with bruises and cuts. I have scars on my body to show for both.

I was a messy emotional stressball of a child. Headstrong and reckless nonetheless. I used to stutter too, forever in a speechless awe. Loving the second one, I was that child all over again.

**********

I tell you my heart is a ruin // you tell me to start rebuilding // will you believe me if I tell you I'm afraid most days // my mind is messy // I'm unpredictable // more emotionally unstable than the London weather // I love deep // but burn myself deeper // most days I wake up wondering // if the sadness ever ends // but you see, I want to own it // I want to own my sadness // I want to wear it as a crown on my head // like a phoenix // I want to burn // and be reborn by fire // stronger and brighter than before // you make me believe that I can I can I can // you got me thinking // you got me feeling.

**********

There's no stillness in my chaos

I am a passionate highly sensitive person

and it might suck for my heart at times

but does damn well for my writing.

**********

you are my crude vice

What's wrong with you // why are you so restless // I coloured you in colours in areas you coloured yourself grey // how dare you tell me I be fine when your absence is everywhere // I'm fine today though // I forgot your words // that's a lie // I have them on my wall // wonder if you still drink your coffee black // and listen to classical music when it rains // you said nothing is permanent in life // that my feelings for you today will be gone tomorrow // five minutes later you took your top off to show me your tattoo on your chest // oh the irony // you made jealousy and anger a home in me // remember that day you told me to only focus on your eyes during my panic attack // you played me Billie Holiday to calm me down // you thought you could leave without a trace // I make a home out of people and commit them into poetry don't you know // I make them immortal in my words // did you feel prisoned by my words too // felt suffocated by my love // people seem to leave but I still keep them alive in my heart // which is slowly becoming a damn museum with its rooms and rooms of history // why do I find the unavailable so alluring // why do I let their cold words decorate my veins // why am I still wondering if you ever wonder about me // although I deleted all your photos // but dammit I still keep your birthday card // what's wrong with me.

A rhyming poem for Sam.

The day I knew I was in a much better place mentally and emotionally, was the day I made my best friend laugh again after a long long time. How his bright blue eyes glowed with pride and happiness as we spent the night laughing away like the old days. "The reason I kept coming back is because I know this isn't you "
I wrote this poem just for him as he forever moans that none of my poems rhyme.

I have this best friend who is a twat

His long legs remind me of my cat

He is always on a diet

Damnnn he is never bloody quiet

He is crazy for cherry beer

Tbh I secretly think he is queer

 He loves the colour blue for his Team

Rachel is the girl of his dream

He has a heart of gold

His white convorses are dirty and old

Next year he is moving away

Bye bye my bae

London is going to suck without him

Altho he would always ditch me for the gym

Our friendship is something I forever treasure

Word on the street is that he gives great pleasure (ew!)

The thought just made me sick

Cos I'm forever taking the mick

Of his small dick 

But joke aside, I eternally love you

My forever and ever annoying boo

Even though you are always muting me

My favourite cheese is brie

Now I'm off to eat

Hope you found this poem neat.

Keep me where the light is

There's nothing beautiful about depression.

wish I could turn this into a cute poem

but I can't.

hours turn to days

days turn to weeks

and every morning I am left fighting the same demons that tormented me the night before.

I am sick

I am tired

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired

I had enough of feeding my demons

and starving the woman in the mirror

when can I make her proud?

when is she going to stop feeling afraid?


They ask

they wonder

about my tattoo

they want to know what it means

let them ask

let them wonder


Would they understand

my fear

of the darkness that decorate my veins?

how do I explain to them

the hunger in my soul

the way it craves and longs for the light?


Another day of my feelings suffocating me

suffocating others

I feel everything

all too much

all at once

hold my tongue


I used to bright up the room with my laughter

I used to be the life of the party

I used to flirt and giggle my way through life

now I'm the thunderstorm

striking people with my cruel cold ways

the flowers I grew inside of me

wilt in my darkness

Red wine and Ambien

Roll the dice.

let's out quote each other.

drink up

its going to be a long night.

in the morning you can sober up your regret of me.


You was afraid of your own light

so you sat in the darkness

I noticed your sensations

you brought out my hidden emotions

so tell me

where does one hide its human sins?


I should've warned you to tread lightly

wouldn't want to wake up my demons

they will eat you up and spit you out

they will grab you by the throat and suffocate you

they will pour vinegar on your scars and watch you suffer with great pleasure.

shhh lets not wake them

gently boy.

gently

let's not wake them.


Why don't they like me?

they made a home out of me

but they grasp my wings when I try to fly away.

I set fire to my soul to keep them warm

and still

still they hurt me

they let me bleed

why don't they let me live?

why don't they let me love?


Don't come closer boy

you be doomed

please don't allow me to destroy you

please don't allow me to ruin your precious ways

step back boy

they can smell your kind heart

step back


You want to see my soul you say

my soul ain't the same anymore my dear

it's now decorated with my filthy fears

and insecurities

but I will show you my scars

if you show me yours

each one has a story

light a cigarette

it's going to be a long night


I can hear them

they have woken

and they are hungry

they want to eat away my joy

they want to strip me naked

they want to take me for a ride

through hell

can you hear the devil's melody playing?

can you hear their voices in your head too?

is it getting louder and louder?



Where's my peace of mind?

I think I lost it somewhere here

I'm too tired to look for it today

too tired to fight

so I just listen as they talk

and I listen some more

I let them feed me words

the same words I feed to you



Oh.

did you cut yourself with my sharp words?

did the fire from my heart bring you pain?

did you build yourself a wall with the bricks I threw at you?

my dear boy

you can't go cry wolf

when I come with a warning sign

can you now?

"Thoughts are not facts"

The voices in your head ain't real. Stop feeding them.
The voices in your head ain't real. They just know you very well.
The voices in your head ain't real. They just know your weaknesses along with the mistakes you tuck into bed with you at night.
The voices in your head ain't real. They know what to say to make you crash.
The voices in your head ain't real. They will say it over and over again. Louder and louder.
The voices in your head ain't real. They are just big fat fucking liars.

"Maybe I will tell you in a poem one day"

I don't know you.

And you don't know me.

But our demons were loose and they danced well together for a while.

Not a tango.

Not a waltz.

I told you I drink my coffee black. No sugars.

You said you cut down.

We played chess with quotes

Back and forth. Back and forth.

When we met I was in a committed relationship with two guys called insomnia and anxiety.

You said you been there, done that.

You thought it was cute how I couldn't make eye contact with you.

I told you your game was cruel.

You said my words were crueler.

I wore a black dress the first night. To match my state of mind.

You said you liked my black heeled boots as you watched me stumble around drunk all night.

You played me my favourite song to sweep me off my feet

Than later complained that you hated sweeping as it left you feeling dirty.

I told you I was an openbook

You said you hated reading.

You told me no but you came wearing a white shirt that night.

 So tell me, who's the cruel one now?

You belittled my feelings

So I belittled you in return.

We forgot each other's good sides

and buried what we had in bitterness.

I told you I was a writer

You handed me a pen and asked me to write for you

And when I did

You said you were meant to hand me a pencil so you could erase it later when you no longer liked my words.

For two people that loved words

We ran out of words to use to hurt each other.

One time I asked you if the sadness ever ends

You replied that you didn't understand my question

I didn't push it further

You didn't push it either

I should've accepted it than

That I was just chasing the ghost of you.

Otters

Some people live their life thinking happiness is never theirs to hold. She was a dreamer with her head in the clouds, forever feeling like a background character in someone else's fairytale. From a young age she learnt that life will hit you hard in the face, leave you breathless and gasping for air. She made others shine but forgot to shine herself. She loved the ocean but was too terrified to swim because of the waves. She lived simply, thinking the more simple something is, the less pain it will bring her in life.

Empty places.

Empty people.

Empty feelings.

It was a Thursday when love arrived.

Love didn't knock on the door.

Love burst through, hitting her in the face, leaving her breathless and gasping for air.

She got drunk on his charm.

Hearts danced in her eyes.

He enraptured her soul like no other.

Hopelessly and endlessly.

And it was rather beautiful the way they reflected each other. The glow in their eyes. The smile they wore in each other's presence. She felt more and more beautiful with each stare and touch from him to her. In time she learnt that loving someone broken is more than watching the ocean from a distant, it was swimming against the tides. And she dived in without a fear. Her fears were left behind on shore. Slowly, very slowly, she was coming around to the idea of adoring the simple beauty of being adored in return. Together they buried their insecurities and walked hand in hand towards this gentle madness called love.