Let's talk about depression. Let's end mental health discrimination.

Hey!

So I can’t remember the last time I wrote a blog. Been a while. A long while actually. But today I woke up in need of something to write - to share my words with the world. I am ready.

Let’s talk about depression. What is depression? Everyone has a different definition of the word. For me, depression is not recognising yourself. Its waking up and feeling ‘blah’. Forcing yourself out of bed to go work. Cancelling plans with friends. Pushing everyone away yet becoming extra needy. Its saying and doing stuff you don’t mean. Its crying for no reason. Feeling unloved and unwanted. Its finding yourself weak and tired all the time. Its wanting to scream at everyone but also needing them to hug away your sense of isolation. Its watching the time pass ever so slowly, like there's too many hours in the day. Its losing interest in everything you loved. Its not being able to focus on anything. Its being in a room filled with your loved ones and still feeling so so lonely. Its feeling you’re only happy because you supposed to feel happy. It's becoming the person you hate. All this for me defines depression.

I was very ignorant about mental illness until 3-4 years ago. I watched my mum and my close friend suffer from depression. Both hitting rock bottom. I educated myself on mental illness through reading and talking to people. I watched my close friend go from being a happy, jolly, confident full of sunshine girl to someone I didn’t recognise. And that is exactly where I am today. I turned into someone I no longer recognise. Who am I? Who was I before all this? Does it live within me forever? Can I tame it? Or is it always going to tame me to the point I can’t breathe? What if it gets too much? I have so many questions but no closure.

Before all this I used to be a girl who enjoyed simple things in life - first sip of coffee in the morning, long walks on my own, listening to music, flirting, reading, writing, laughing. When was the last time I laughed without feeling guilty? When was the last time I read a book? When was the last time I put on a song and actually listened to the lyrics? I used to enjoy my own company. Always so excited for ‘me’ days where I chilled on my own, ate on my own, went to cinema on my own, put my phone aside and actually observed the life around me. These simple things used to make me happy. But recently I found myself hating my own company. I would fill every minute with something and someone - simply trying to fill that emptiness with things. Being alone now scares me. Gives me anxiety. Don't know why. Don't know how I went from being a happy lone wolf to this weak person. When did I become so needy and clingy? When did I stop being so independent, confident and strong? When did I stop being that girl who enjoyed the little simple things in life? When did I become a bad bitter person? How did I go from being so supportive and strong, positive and crazy-fun to being needy and miserable? I know I’m a difficult person in reality, I'm stubborn, blunt and too in your face, so I can only imagine how difficult I can get with depression added to that. You see, recently I found myself creating bad situations without meaning to. My overthinking and needy ways got the best of me. I was called "manipulative" and a "bad person" by the people closest to me. I probably deserved it. For the past few weeks I know I was a burden to everyone around me and a difficult person to love.I found myself snapping and upsetting my loved ones. I know many times I pushed away my loved ones as I coped with the heavy realities of mental illness. Digging my own grave. Pushing them away with my harsh harsh words and actions. I knew it was wrong as I was doing it but I couldn't stop.

Than it hit me at the moment when I was at my lowest - what I needed was a little reflection to help me end my pity party for one. So on Tuesday night I called an old friend. Someone I been friends with for 10 years, on and off. Someone I consider my not-so-romantically soulmate. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. We haven’t spoken in a while but I knew he would come straight away, no questions asked. No judgement. He took one look at me and said - this ain’t you B. I sighed in relief. He had no idea how much I needed to hear that. I really really needed someone who knew me to say NO B, THIS AIN’T YOU! YOU AIN’T A BAD PERSON! YOU JUST DOING BAD THINGS BECAUSE YOU ARE IN A BAD PLACE. Hearing that really really helped me to breathe. Something I haven’t done properly in weeks. Sometimes people need to hear things like that from their loved ones in order to stop and breathe. They need to hear that they can get past it all and can -eventually- return to being who they really are in time. They need a reflection. He reassured me that I am ready to take a step forward in becoming a better person as I myself know and recognise that I am not this person. That alone is a huge step he said. And yes I know as I’ve seen firsthand through my friends and mum that depression is not something that you can “just snap out of” but I am determined to take the negatives in my life, whether it's me or the negative vibe around me, and turn it into something positive. I refuse to settle and let this be me. The first step I took was acceptance. Accepting that I do indeed need professional help. This was a hard step for me as I always been a warrior but I now see that I am not as strong as I used to be. I no longer have the energy to row the boat on my own. Hell, maybe I need to wreck the boat all together and learn to swim! All I know is that I am ready to rise above this.

Before I decided to go public with this post on social media, I made my closed ones read it first to give them some sort of insight. And the love and support I've received in return, wow. Can't put it into words. So yeah I be fine. And the days I'm not fine I know I be fine as I have the best support system around me. Tuesday night I met an old friend who saved me. Yesterday I spent the whole day on my own and actually enjoyed my own company. I sat down in a coffee shop and wrote this. Yes I finally wrote something! A whole year later! And today I met up with my own personal sunshine who reassured me that everything is going to be okay. Slowly but surely. I am SO ready to leave this pity party for one. To find my old self again.

But before I go - People who experience depression need to know - its going to suck. Really really suck for a long long time. Some days will be better than others. Like my good friend Taps said, “some days are diamonds, some days are stones”. But trust me when I say, there is a light end of the tunnel. This isn’t the end. You gotta push through it. You are not alone. Find that one person who can help reflect you in your darkest days. But also, don’t be too hard on your other friends, I know everyone is so open to offer their love and support but when the time comes they are blank-space, that's not their fault - not everyone is cut out to cope with the heavy realities of mental illness. Nobody can save you but you. I am rooting for you. And I am rooting for myself. I refuse to let depression define me.

And on that note - I’m gonna leave you with this quote “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us”.

Peace out guys.